“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.