This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.