Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.