In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The Weeknd is back
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.