My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.