@ShaneKnowsStuff

Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery

@ShaneKnowsStuff

Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I’m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.