Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
rapatouille
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.