My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
PARKOUR
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”