My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Ferrari squats
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.