me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40