Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.