I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
You Might Also Like
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Become ungovernable.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just how popey was the pope today?