Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.