If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
*limbos under the caution tape
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register