Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Shelts99's best tweets

@Shelts99 : If you've watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times.

You've pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite.

@Shelts99: All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!

@Shelts99: My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.

@Shelts99: You had me at 'I've had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend'

@Shelts99: I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts.

As you were.

@Shelts99: Neighbour:How's the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You're sick
Me:You're next