Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more


Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST


Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]


Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something


Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else


Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends


Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland


Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle


CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.



Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out


Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am


Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom


Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what