Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
won’t smith
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.