Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’m having an out of money experience.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
😎 🍻
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.