7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
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lmfao
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
my professor scared me for a second
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.