I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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This is a whole mood;
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.