How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
greetings!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale