@ShittyComedian: I snorted enough cocaine last night to kill a horse, but in my defense that horse came out of nowhere.
@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.
@ShittyComedian: Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
@ShittyComedian: I like how all these people are acting like they've never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.
@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.