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Page of ShittyComedian's best tweets

@ShittyComedian : How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I'm not flying it.

@ShittyComedian: I snorted enough cocaine last night to kill a horse, but in my defense that horse came out of nowhere.

@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.

@ShittyComedian: Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

@ShittyComedian: I like how all these people are acting like they've never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@ShittyComedian: Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.

@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@ShittyComedian: Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, "Did you bring the lube?" As loud as possible.

@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.