@ShittyComedian

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@ShittyComedian

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

@ShittyComedian

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

@ShittyComedian

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

@ShittyComedian

Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.