It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.