Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?
Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:
2. Not her.
Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.
Me: WHY? YOU THINK I’M 8 OR SOMETHING?
Her: No, sorry…
Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.
Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-