@Shock_Monster
Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: Ha
M: Haha
N: HAHA
M: HAHAHA!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?
M: No.
@Shock_Monster
@Shock_Monster
Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.
@Shock_Monster
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
@Shock_Monster
How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
@Shock_Monster
54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
@Shock_Monster
According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems:
1. Me.
2. Not her.
@Shock_Monster
Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Hostess: …
Me: …
Hostess: …
Me: Yes, one please.
@Shock_Monster
Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
@Shock_Monster
Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.
Me: WHY? YOU THINK I’M 8 OR SOMETHING?
Her: No, sorry…
Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.
@Shock_Monster
Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-
Me: 69!
Her: …10.
Me:
Her:
Me: 6.9?