I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.