I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You Might Also Like
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it