FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?