The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Always…
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow