@ShortSleeveSuit
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
@ShortSleeveSuit
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
@ShortSleeveSuit
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
@ShortSleeveSuit
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
@ShortSleeveSuit
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
@ShortSleeveSuit
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
@ShortSleeveSuit
JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court
STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade
ME: can I finish
JUDGE: lmao read it again