HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels


A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having


HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know


FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence


[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password


JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court

STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade

ME: can I finish

JUDGE: lmao read it again