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Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a...napkin

BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

@ShortSleeveSuit: Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

@ShortSleeveSuit: [dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

@ShortSleeveSuit: GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

@ShortSleeveSuit: DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent