@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: maybe we should call taking a siesta with a family member a...napkin
BRAIN SURGEON: *opening me back up* nurse we have to do this one over
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
@ShortSleeveSuit: Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
@ShortSleeveSuit: [dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
@ShortSleeveSuit: GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
@ShortSleeveSuit: DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while