@ShortSleeveSuit [working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
@ShortSleeveSuit 
@ShortSleeveSuit Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
@ShortSleeveSuit [at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
@ShortSleeveSuit ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
@ShortSleeveSuit SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
@ShortSleeveSuit All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
@ShortSleeveSuit ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
@ShortSleeveSuit BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
@ShortSleeveSuit ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
@ShortSleeveSuit HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again
ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have