[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all