Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’