@Shot_Of_Cabo

If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

[First Date]

Me: So, what kind of work do you do?

She: Internal consulting.

Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we’re all adults here

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Traffic..

The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn’t want to be to the place you don’t want to go.