Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Shot_Of_Cabo : Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: [First Date]
Me: So, what kind of work do you do?
She: Internal consulting.
Me, scoffing: You can say gynecologist, we're all adults here
@Shot_Of_Cabo: I don't understand people who say they're getting ready for bed.
I mean I'm ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: I've seen cartons of cigs with less filters, boo.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you're hoping for a good 2019? Ain't you precious.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Make her feel like she's the only woman in your freezer.
The thing that impedes you from traveling from the place you didn't want to be to the place you don't want to go.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: *Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*