Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana