all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Cannot stop laughing at this
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.