The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Cucumbers Anonymous
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that