I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I am never leaving this website
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.