Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
This is hilarious….
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it