Funny Tweeter

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Page of ShutUpThatsWho's best tweets

@ShutUpThatsWho : WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

@ShutUpThatsWho: [playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Subway]

ME: i'll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

@ShutUpThatsWho: HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

@ShutUpThatsWho: MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT: what's the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

@ShutUpThatsWho: [texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you're done
ME:

@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: ok i'm gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

@ShutUpThatsWho: [Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I'm Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

@ShutUpThatsWho: [CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job