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@Shut_up_Marissa : Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
@Shut_up_Marissa: I don't mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
@Shut_up_Marissa: Me: I'm so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
@Shut_up_Marissa: CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
"I'm sorry, I have to take this."
@Shut_up_Marissa: Not right now green light, I'm taking a selfie.
@Shut_up_Marissa: In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.