jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Ha.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
If looks could kill
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Check out the legs on this baby
Look at this
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Nose
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?