I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.