I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.