Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.