3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.