Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
You Might Also Like
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
The dark side of Canada
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
yeet