A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
You Might Also Like
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk