Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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Wise advice
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*