My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist