Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
how to market bottled water to dads
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*