@SimplySnaccbar: [My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald's ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

@SimplySnaccbar: Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

@SimplySnaccbar: Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it's not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

@SimplySnaccbar: [First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You've got this, you're gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON'T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

@SimplySnaccbar: [Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I'd like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@SimplySnaccbar: Teacher: You're gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don't come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

@SimplySnaccbar: Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you're supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you're fired.

@SimplySnaccbar: Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

@SimplySnaccbar: [Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.