Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:


Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen

Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-

Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself

Friend: okay sorry go ahead

Me: 69 orders of french fries please


me: 1985 was a great year

friend: you weren’t even born yet

me: exactly


[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me


[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.



*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*


Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN


Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*







Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god


[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.


Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.


[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?