Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.