marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible