Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.